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The Grouchy Daily Horoscope

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Thank fuck the holidays are over! [Jan. 2nd, 2007|08:50 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Try to learn from the morons you are helping. Don't just help them by calling them morons either!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Instead of imposing your emotions on those unfortunate enough to have to put up with you, impose your sense of inferiority on them instead.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Since everyone around you seems to be acting like an oversensitive pansy at the moment, go ahead and step on their toes then watch them "dance!"

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Take a deep breath and say "I'm a Cancer! Yay for me!" Then punch yourself in the nose.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

What is that smell? Probably the overbearing scent of the bullshit coming out of your mouth!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Sometimes you care so much about those around you that it makes you sleepy. Go take a nap and then focus on why you feel you so accomplished after doing absolutely nothing.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

This balancing act is tough sometimes. Don't be afraid to build a wider fence to walk on. Whatever you do, do not take sides or everyone's expectations of you will be shattered.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You have so many tools at your disposal. You have a garbage disposal, dog biscuits, and dinner plans. And you have the comfort that you don't cut yourself shaving as often as you used to. Of course, you don't shave as often as you used to either.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Learn to be passive. It will not make you happy, but it will be a relief for those around you who can barely tolerate you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Sometimes feeling heartbroken is just what you need in order to realize that everything you believe in was a worthless pile of shit to begin with.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It not the caffeine that is making you so moody. It's the lack of sex. I think a hate fuck is in order.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

If you want someone who understands and accepts your emotional state, get another cat. Human beings typically make poor pets.
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I'm back! And this time with a song!!! [Nov. 16th, 2006|09:19 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Today you need to concentrate on not being completely lame. Contemplate how you are going to accomplish this while weaving or knitting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes being totally egotistical and stubborn works for you. Today, it is further confirmation that you are hopeless in the areas of relationships that go any deeper than than describing what you would like to eat for lunch.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Attempting to use charm to your advantage with not get you served your hamburger any faster. Pouting won't get you anywhere either. Sometimes going completely berserk is the only way.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Bonding with needy morons is your specialty except when you call them a needy moron to their face.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Don't let people pressure you. You are the one who should be applying pressure. Don't let your need to be loved overwhelm your desire to be in charge. They'll love you plenty if you force them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Procrastination is too extreme a phrase for you. Doesn't give a flying fuck is more like it. Sure, you are aware of what is going on. You just wish you weren't.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

It would be so easy to take the world by storm if it wasn't for all of those damn roadblocks. Who put them there anyway? Oh! That's right. You put them there. I suppose you could remove them, but you might chip a nail.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Go gambling. Hit the slots. Take some chances. Lose a shitload of money!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Try to communicate with that person you feel you've lost touch with, but do it in your own unique, insane, scary way.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Sometimes you feel like your own personality is being overshadowed by your peers. Well, I've got news for you, buddy: you don't have one.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It's time to stop thinking about masturbation and start thinking about group sex. If you're feeling a bit shy, you can always masturbate for the group.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Your partnership is so completely fake. Can you ignore the obvious much longer? Of course you can! This is your specialty.
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I think I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it doesn't look like you have any. (name the movie) [Nov. 3rd, 2006|12:58 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Give them one of those back massages where you walk on them, but make sure you wear a pair of stiletto heels while you are doing it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You're getting fat. I would tell you to go get some exercise, but it would be pointless.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Today is one of those days where you can take pleasure in the pleasurable things and marvel at the length of your money shot.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

If you want to win the race, you can either show up at the starting line and beat everyone fair and square, or you can kneecap all of your opponents before the start. Go get your crowbar.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

The revolution starts today. Set your authority on fire and hope that fire spreads.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It's time to decide if your new committments are really worth the payoff. Wake up and smell the alienation.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Your happiness comes at a cost. Good thing someone else is picking up the tab!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Imposing your limits on someone else expectations is a good idea as long as you aren't ticklish.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Improve yourself by stalking someone of higher standards than your own. Cannibalize them if neccessary.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Do not over react or be surprised you were passed over. You were destined to be mediocre and are living up to expectations quite well. I'm almost proud of you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Who ever thought you'd enjoy a buttplug? It's amazing where your search for new experiences can lead you!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

The more you try to let go, the more you are tempted to strangle them. Let go of their balls and place your hands firmly around their throat.
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I suppose as long as you people actually read this stuff . . . [Nov. 2nd, 2006|08:37 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

When you need to be bold, you tend to be bludgeoningly bold. Instead of being bold, focus on being obtuse.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

As always, what concerns you most is you. "Me, me, me, me." Check on those close to you to make sure they aren't either plotting your death or their own in order to escape you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If life were a game of football, you'd be picking on the kicker right now and hoping to bang a cheerleader after the game.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Try to express that inner turmoil in a way that suits you. Make sure it is passive, cryptic, and evokes your sense of aloof.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Today is not the day you conquer the world. Although that day might be drawing nigh, it is not this one. Concentrate on charming the world and laughing to yourself when they buy into what you're selling.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

When you are paying attention, people tend to think you are very bright. When you are not, they think you are a moron. However, you were paying attention today AND they still thought your were a moron. Go figure!

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Sexuality tends to destroy your intellectual side, but not today as you find that having sex with a librarian can actually make you feel smarter!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Sometimes you need to acknowledge your fear before you start plotting how to destroy it. Less fear and more destruction will benefit no just you, but your sense of evil plotting as well.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Take a whiff. What's that smell? Testosterone. Pure man, baby! Pure man. Can you dig it?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You're getting close to that point where you give up on those around you, dump them in the garbage, and start all over. By this point in your life it should be a welcome change. They're all a bunch of losers anyway.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Go ahead. Take a break. For the love of God! Go have some me time and leave the rest of us alone.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Is that fire in your belly? Ow! Sounds painful! Start thinking with your head and not your malfunctions and the rest will fall in place.
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Roll Call Part II [Nov. 1st, 2006|03:29 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
I'm curious to know what the signs are of the people who read my grouchascope.

Indulge me. It's purely scientific curiosity.

WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING SIGN?
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Roll Call [Nov. 1st, 2006|10:36 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Does anyone actually read this shit? If you do, please kindly comment with something like "Yes, Ben. I read it whenever you get around to actually posting something."

If you don't post a comment, I'll just assume no one reads this and give up.
link11 comments|post comment

You love me with a "H" because I make you . . . [Nov. 1st, 2006|10:34 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Read between the lines, or, in your case, between the index and ring fingers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If you had a soul, you could do some real soul searching. Unfortunately, you don't. So why not go shopping instead?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

The time is right for self exploration. Just remember to use a water or silica based lube as bacteria tends to cling to the oil based ones.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You are a bit irritable in your normal passive-aggressive manner today. That's OK. You're so passive, it would be a surprise if anyone actually noticed!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Make a decision based on your normal ignorance. Talking out of your ass has already gotten you this far, hasn't it?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

When everyone is talking about what they are into, pretend you were into it before it was cool.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Connecting people is your strong point. Use it to work a threesome or an orgy and don't forget to bring the camera.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Patiently, you wait for the next opportunity to arise. They have no idea what you are planning and this makes you feel superior. Oh! And your fly is down.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

With that attitude, you should have been a cop. Not a real cop. A pretend cop like the lead singer of the Village People. One who can sing and dance and break into people's houses at night stealing for crack money. That kind of cop.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You find yourself questioning the purpose of your current relationship. The purpose is for you to do what you are told. Now stop pondering and get back to work, you little bitchmonkey!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You're feeling brave and frisky and ready to spark one up. Fucking grow up already, you dirty hippy!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Stop being a pushover. Stop being a whiner. Stop acting like a victim. It's a dog eat dog world. Let's go get some Chinese take out.
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Here is your Samhain fix: [Oct. 31st, 2006|01:43 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Today feels like virgin deja vu: you've strangely felt this way for the first time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

If you feel touchy, that's only because you touch too much. Keep your damn hands to yourself!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Play the submissive for a change. They'll be sure to kiss you on the neck when they're done.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Wear a condom and a gimp mask so that both essential areas are covered and protected.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Choose the peaceful path and then brag to everyone you know that you are the most peaceful, peacemaking motherfucker around.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Morbidly obese people don't always look before they sit, so get the fuck out of the way if that giant ass looks like it's going to avalanche on you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

It is better to lust and lash then to have never flogged at all.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today is your day. Rule it. Own it. Don't end up in the slammer for it. You know why they call it the slammer, right?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

so many victims. So little time. Pick a target and shoot.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Delude yourself into thinking you are more tuned in than those around you. You'll wake up and remember who your really are tomorrow.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Have an affair with a Taurus. It will make both of you feel better.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Try something new. This is not at all against your nature, but you're starting to run out of new.
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Ohh! Right there!!! Right fucking there!!!!!! [Oct. 24th, 2006|09:26 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Overthinking things is something you are often surprisingly good at. Take it to the next level. Vocalize what you are overthinking to the extent that the person you are talking to suffers a migrane or, better yet, a stroke.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The best way to make someone dance is by shooting at their feet.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Role playing is one of your specialties. Unfortunately, you are so schitzo, you might find yourself in the bedroom dressed like a Paladin and telling your lover you are Batman.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You self esteem is growing. Your confidence is on the rise. Celebrate with nasty arrogance!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Can YOU keep a secret? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Don't let that supposed flaw keep you from doing your thing. What exactly is that thing? I have no idea.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Your pride is standing between your ego and your aloof, abstract mind. Maybe I meant to say that you are proud to have an egotistical, aloof mind. Whatever.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

You have a tough time letting go unless letting go means that the person you are letting go will fall to their death if you do it. So just let go and giggle as you hear them scream while falling to their death. Tune out the ugly splat noise.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Treat yourself to a surprise. Find someone who is ugly and con them into thinking you are attracted to them.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Dialog is the key to a successful friendship. Who needs friends or dialog? Say something rude and they will all go away.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Caught with your pants down again? No worries. No one was looking at you anyway.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

It's tough connecting with people. It's even tougher for you to want to connect to people unless we're talking about connecting with a left hook.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Let go of the grudge and just go for pure revenge. When the dust settles, kick them while they're down just for good measure.
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Touch me on my darker side! [Oct. 23rd, 2006|09:11 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Clinching your buttcheeks together as tightly as possible does NOT count as exercise.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You are clingy and overdramatic. On top of that, you are clingy, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Look up that old flame and attempt to get them drunk for some nostalgia sex. Then hope you never see them or think about them again.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Don't be fussy about everyone else's lives. Be more specific. Target one person who really needs a kick in the ass and then lay some leather into their supple backside.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Get some exercise and stop eating junk food.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Although not normally a lonely wanker, solitude suits your mastabatory spirit for the day.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Think with your heart. Love with your mind. Trip over your untied shoelaces!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

It's time for an adventure. By "adventure," I mean looking for people to join your cause. By "cause," I mean a giant, pre-halloween orgy.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

In your quest for balance, you literally pick up opposing forces and hold them in seperate hands. Libras are watching you and laughing their asses off!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Other people's opinions matter very much to you. Seek their approval wihtout shame and suck their on their balls if you have to.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Since you are so much better than everyone, why not just leave the room instead of hanging around to tell everyone you are better than them? No one cares. Fuck off!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Time to go shopping. Just don't do it with your money. Manipulate someone close to you to buy you stuff. Use guilt if you have to.
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