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The Grouchy Daily Horoscope

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I love you in the face. Now kiss my on the tongue. [Oct. 21st, 2006|01:51 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don't quit because you are out of breath. Quit because they can't take it anymore.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Appearances are everything and you are brutally hairy.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your loyal supporters are fake and stupid. Try to find people intelligent enough to challenge you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Let the people around you have some fun. Don't spoil the party until there is no way they can leave.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Approach challenges the way your always do: shoot first and ask questions later.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You weren't paying attention and it hurt their feelings. Unfortunately for them, you didn't notice you hurt their feelings either.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Minimalism is the key. While everyone else is overdoing it, you underdo it on purpose for pure style points. Suckers!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Make them squeal like the filthy pigs they are.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Time to cut and run. Dump the one you are with and pick up someone else's left overs.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Wow! You are so sensitive today. Drink ten cups of expresso and then pour out your sorrows inn a completely spastic, embarrassing manner.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Stop spending money on frivilous things and start spending it on the things you truly need like drug paraphernalia and strippers.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Sleeping pills and booze are the keys. Today sucks! Sleep in as much as possible to avoid it.
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Make love to me slowly, gently with a chainsaw [Oct. 20th, 2006|08:52 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
[music |Alien Sex Fiend "Drive My Rocket Up Uranus"]

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Someone close to you is acting very odd. This is a relief because normally it is you who is acting odd.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Being detail oriented isn't normally your strong suit. Really. I have nothing else to add to that statement. That was pretty much the same as saying the sky is blue or the the President is a pigfucker.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Go to the gym like you always do, but stop hitting on everyone. Stop posing in front of every mirror you egomaniac!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You have the eye of a voyeur and the virility of a dud. Watch what you do not want and then criticize what you cannot have.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You might be up for a threesome tonight, but only if you get good and drunk first.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It's time to diversify! Look for new ways to be aloof and nitpicky.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

It's time to remind everyone you know that in addition to being a totally eccentric weirdo, you are also smarter than them.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Don't lose your temper yet. Set up a fabulous flamewar by pretending to be nice first. Once their guard is down, let loose.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Stop being so damn clingy. And as long as you're down there, feel free to put your lips on it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

No more dwelling on the past. You have fresh failures awaiting you in the near future.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Pass the joint to the hippy on the left and then step away from the cloud. Tell your mom that you'll get a job tomorrow. Then order a pizza. Mmmmmm! Pizza!

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Encourage the control freak in your life to take charge. Then ask them to tie you up and give you a spanking!
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Break out the whips and chains. It's time to freak! [Oct. 19th, 2006|09:27 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

What makes you hot also makes you moist, so stop pretending to be pissed off when someone provokes you. Hand them a riding prop and bend over. Then point to your ass and let them take care of the rest.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Ooh! You're sooooo daring. By daring, I mean the kind of slutty that makes fucking a co-worker or a boss seem like a brilliant career move.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You feel so dreamy today. Take a nap.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Delusions are the key for a happy mental state today. Fortunately, you are totally delusional, so you should be fine.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Pretend to be modest while you are plotting behind their backs. If they find out what you are planning, just tell them that they are lucky you even noticed them. Then spit in their face.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Today, do not spit. Swallow.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Instead of masturbating your usual two or three times a day, go for five!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A friend confides in you, so you toss them a pity fuck to make them feel better. If they wanted a confidant, they would have looked up a Cancer or a Pisces.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

If you were open minded, you would be the polar opposite of you. Do us all a favor a stare at your feet as you walk by.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

What's that around your waistline? More waistline! Or can you even call that a waistline anymore? Regardless, you're still fat and stupid, no one likes you, and your taste in music sucks. Have a nice day!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Try to do uplifting positive things today like soliciting the ugly prostitute who doesn't get as much business as the better looking ones.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You can't hold back your emotions any longer, so just let it all out. Make sure you do it in the most public, embarrassing place imaginable so that if I'm around, I can point and laugh while you are doing it.
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more grouchoscopes, oh snap! [Oct. 18th, 2006|04:39 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
ex_leonine119
[mood |amusedamused]

Aries -
Youre known to be headstrong and arrogant, and today's your day! Be a showoffy asshole to everyone you know! You'll end up getting your ass kicked! And then the other signs of the zodiac will point and laugh at you, particularly Leos.

Taurus -
Stubborn is your middle name. But if you decide to be stubborn today, you'll be ballgagged...painfully.

Gemini -
Because of your two faced nature, you'll be deported to Sri Lanka today. Don't make me explain.....just find out on your own. OBEY THE GROUCHOSCOPE.

Cancer -
Stop being such a pussy, and make sure those two-faced Geminis get deported to Sri Lanka.

Leo -
Your plan for conquering the world...yet again...will fail today. Dont even try, you'll just end up having diarreah. Youre known to be egotistic and vain, just stay home and marvel at yourself in the mirror.

Virgo -
Your ability to be a neat-freak perfectionist will annoy everyone, particularly today. So be a filthy pig if you want to live.

Libra -
Hopefully you'll be able to actually make a decision today.....one that wont involve blowing up and/or nuking something.

Scorpio -
You better hide those condoms before your mom sees them, you buttslut.

Sagittarius -
You have a love for travelling. Visit Harlem or Compton today, and send back postcards! Hopefully you'll come back....

Capricorn -
Try not to think too hard today, you'll pop a blood vessel. So Id tell you to go sit down and relax, but you'll get hemorrhoids. So you're pretty much screwed today.

Aquarius -
Today, instead of being the tree-hugging hippie that you usually are.... try to go the opposite way and formulate a plan to trick vegans into eating some meat. Because deep down, you're an evil bastard.

Pisces -
Youre usually known for being emo. But today, be happy. The psychotic kind of "I love Jesus" happy.
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I'm feeling frisky [Oct. 18th, 2006|02:29 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Tell him to shut up and when he starts talking over you again, pop him dead in the grill.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your small mind is only rivaled by your hard head. Do us all a favor and give it a rest.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Bad conversation is a two way street. Remember that and then blame it all on the person you are talking to.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Turn the other cheek. By cheek, I mean that big, fat ass of yours. Turn it sideways and get the fuck out of the way!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Be proud. Stand tall. Pretend everyone is looking and marveling over you. Then single out someone weak and abuse them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Good luck with the new vision. You're going to need it. In the meantime, it's time for you to go back to the eye doctor.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Avoidance plus procrastination equals satisfaction. You made your bed. Don't lie in it! If you did, you'd have to make it again.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You can't handle the stress unless it is bubbling out of your nose. Go buy some Kleenex. That's really gross!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

The bigger picture seems so much smaller because your head has grown considerably.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

The pace of your life is slowing to meet the pace of your brain activity. Don't worry. No one expects anything beyond mediocrity from you anyway.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

When your plans get changed unexpectedly, do what you normally do: throw a tantrum. It won't get you anywhere, but it will drive everyone away from you. Their gain is your gain, too, right?

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

It's mellah time for Pisces. You are so fucking hipster right now, someone might be tempted to beat you to death with an Earth Shoe!
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September 5, 2006 [Sep. 5th, 2006|03:05 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Can you say drama queen? Just go with the mood and be a bitch all day. Make them deal with your problems and not the other way around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Stop sticking your foot in your mouth. No one can't understand what the fuck your problem is. Is it stupidity? Lack of tact? Probably both.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You're a lush. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. Just remember that there is a time and a place for everyone else to be a drunken idiot, but for you, it is all the time.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

How can someone work so hard and simultaneously be so forgetful? It's probably because you are a moron.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You are so desperate for love that you would probably do anything for it. Anything except love someone in return, that is.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Today you feel like you got the shot in the arm you need to be a success. Or that is just because you actually injected yourself with meth.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

You fucked up. You know it. Everyone saw you do it. They're just being too polite to point it out. That's probably because they don't want to get their heads bitten off.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Try to appear open minded and considerate today. And then when they aren't looking, completely fuck them over.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Put everyone in their place. You don't need them nearly as much as they need you. Make them feel as small as possible so that you can lord over them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Get ready for a one night stand that was totally pointless. And then go to the docter to make sure you didn't pick up an STD.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Keep saving the world one dumbass at a time. You have no idea why, but you are compelled nonetheless.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Time to break out of hermit mode and go into miser mode. Everyone needs a change of pace, right?
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I'll get back to this . . . [Aug. 25th, 2006|04:41 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
just as soon as the Paxil and Lamictal are out of my brain allowing me to regain my sense of humor. Don't give up on the Astrogrouch. He'll be returning soon.

Stay tuned kiddos!
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Sorry Guys! [Aug. 20th, 2006|01:33 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
I'm just not feeling it anymore. If I get the the desire, I'll start posting grouchascopes again, but right now, I'm just worn out from all of the negativity in my life. This was sort of an outlet for my depression, but now that I'm finally taking my life back, this page has lost its appeal to me.
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I'm back, baby! [Aug. 18th, 2006|08:03 am]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Sorry for the delay. My time has been . . . er . . . occupied.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Instead of ignoring the annoying person who is close to you, insult them and they'll finally go away.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You are a bit confused about loyalties. Don't worry. You are such a stick in the mud that no one wants to deal with you. At least you now have your answer to who's on your side!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Friday night and the party animal side of your duality is coming out. Unfortunately, it is also coming unraveled. Don't worry so much now, you'll have plenty of time for hangovers and hangups on Monday morning.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Today you gorge on chocolates. That's about it. Have a nice day.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Without backstabbing, you'd have no idea how to lead. However, it does work. While you're setting someone up for failure, they are commenting as to how laid back and calm you are.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You are having trouble on picking a mood. Sometimes you feel grouchy. Other times you feel chipper. Once the caffeine wears off, you'll probably settle on aloof.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Being cynical comes natural. Replace that cynicism with unwarranted optimism so that you can experience genuine surprise when nothing goes the way you plan it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today, you require some alone time. This is different from yesterday when you needed a shitload of alone time.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You're not in the mood to deal with a sensitive type today, but that's what you'll have to deal with anyway. Put them in their place and walk away in a huff. They'll get the message.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

A budget? What's that? You're so busy trying to please and impress that you've been spending money like a drunken sailer. You need to back off of this new obsession. It's not worth it.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You've so busy saving the world that you didn't realize you were sabotaging yourself. Silly hippy! You still have to put yourself first.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Try to see that there is a difference between complexity and lies. You could have been lied to, or what you are perceiving to be a lie was actually an extremely complex form of truth. Don't get your panties in a bunch over it.
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August 4, 2006 [Aug. 4th, 2006|01:39 pm]
The Grouchy Daily Horoscope
evil_libra
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Instead of telling everyone they should smile more often, tell them to shut up and then threaten to beat them with a blunt object if they don’t immediately comply.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your ability to forgive is lacking, but your ability to pretend to forget is amazing. Like your brain, your emotions also have an off button that you tend to press the moment anything stressful happens. Stop being such a coward.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Is there such a thing as too much respect? If there is, you are guilty of it. My suggestion is to surround yourself with the rudest people you know and hope some of it rubs off on you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’re a stick in the mud. You know this. Everyone knows this. It’s just how you roll. So why are you having a good time? Because for once, you aren’t the most boring, uptight person in the room. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You smooth talking charmer you! The only problem is that no one knows if you are the best person they’ve ever met or if you are completely full of shit. My answer is you are a little bit of both.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

It is time for selfish indulgences. If someone protests, tell them they can kiss your ass.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

You no longer have what you do not want, but now you terribly want what you cannot have. Use this as motivation to be creative and subject everyone you know to long, drawn out explanations of why you aren’t as happy as you should be.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Cure your depression with some comfort food. If you are still depressed, do something wild like getting drunk, getting high, kinky sex, a police chase, murder or all five.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

It’s time for gang warfare. Get all of your group together and look to raise some hell.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

You are looking for a new person to scam on and lining them up. Instead of picking up on someone naïve, look for a challenging person who plays hard to get and if they turn you down, call them childish names.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Making new friends is on the agenda. This comes easy for you. Just try to avoid the urge to beat them up if they don’t fit into your narrow world view.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Stop worrying about your own problems. Work on solving the problems of everyone else. If you can fix their problems you might inadvertently find yourself fixing your own. Even if you don't succeed, at least you'll be able to distract yourself from reality for a little while longer.
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